Laying It Out There

I gotta just lay stuff out there sometimes.

How do I even start?

There is NO doubt the lifestyle I live is MUCH different than anyone one else I know. Many of my friends and family I am sure see me as, well.....maybe..... different?.? I don't know. There was a time I ALWAYS thought the worst. A time when I believed that more people saw the Morgan family as a "burden". My self guilt and shame of my unresolved sins (not repented) was killing me! I took it out on everything/everyone including ones closest to me. I remember a man I worked for at Vermeer telling me once, "Jeff, you are your own worse enemy". Never thought much about that again until the sin was finally confronted. He was right. The "fighter" in me wanted to and still at times, kick my own butt!

The evil satan knows how to push my buttons. This week I started feeling again unworthy. The feeling of being "unworthy" is powerful! At least speaking for myself it is. I am finding many men also struggle with the same thing. For me, I see the "wrong" in everything. I believe everyone around me sees the same "false bad" in me as I think/see of myself. Next step often for me is isolation. Bad for me, VERY bad....!!! Unworthiness for a man, again speaking for myself, strikes at the heart. Here is a personal example.

As a man, dad and husband, I carry natural burdens. The leader of any group is required to carry at least the responsibility of the body. Lately the idea of being able to provide for my family is weighing me down. Just ever so simple things like this week Jalissa turned the sweet sixteen. I was unable to do anything special in the way I would like. Now I get the obvious when people tell me it's OK but deep down, that pain is real. I am still a man, still a dad.

All of my children are so incredible loving and caring. That's why I am struggling so much. I feel they deserve so much more. I don't honestly care about the "extras" of life but the necessities. Things like school and everything that goes with it. Clothes, shoes, sports wear and the everyday activities. It's pretty clear that if I can't do these things well, the rest of life's economic realities are even more frightening.

What really adds to this distraction is this spiritual awaking in me. The Lord, and I believe with everything in me that this to be true, has Called me into a full time ministry. There is no logic in what I must do, BUT what I must do takes the one resource I do not have. Again, no logic. Does this mean I am off my rocker? Maybe. Would not be the first time someone suggested Jeff Morgan is a little (or lot) eccentric. What keeps me encouraged is in The Word of God. Anyone who was anyone in the Bible did NOT follow the normal.

If my life is to glorify Him in anyway then I must overcome this fear. I must remember to not only trust Him but practice what I preach. As much as I want to go and encourage my brothers in Christ, I too must allow them in return to do the same.

Both humbly and boldly I plea for aid. I ask for prayer and wisdom in making Godly decisions for both my family and ministry. To me now, they are one! My family (both Lisa and our children) have been and will continue to be a arrows in His quiver. Whether we are here in Pella or on the other side of the globe, the Morgans will serve The Lord Jesus.


Awaiting His Mighty Return,